Inside, a dystopia.

raving like a lunatic without even saying anything

invisible swells that silently engulf everything

gibbering like a baby while holding my own hand telling you

everything is going to be okay

a cleanse

a space

an uninterrupted moment

please

my head is an unpleasant phantasmagoria

how can one not control their own head?

what

is going on

here

.

HATE,

BWIT.

I like rain but....

I despise waking up to a gloomy darkened day, it seriously fucks up my whole mood for the day.

Like now! I feel like total shit and I really have to get my Spanish homework and bio for painting completed but I just keep running back to mopey thoughts.

All I want to do is talk to you but I'm really, really trying to hold everything under control and be as uninvolved as possible so as not to fuck anything up.

I had a wonderful night on Friday, I went bowling with the usual crew (Piper, Tyler, and Zac :D)and then had drunken game night with my bro afterwards which turned into a giant sobbing fest because I'm all pms-y and emotional add drunk and overtired on top of that as well... but the thing was, it was great. I sorted out a lot of shit and I haven't had anyone hold me while I was crying in a very long while, it was the most relief I've experienced in a very long time but now I process the situation and realize I don't even know if I honestly trust him anymore. I just laid out half my being for him to investigate and I'm terrified.

I can't keep doing this, this is all I fucking do!

Just hoard and bottle all of my emotions until they get so tangled and synonymous I can't get them out, they just implode at random moments and leave me fragmented and sobbing uncontrollably.

My entire life just feels like a giant pile of shit and its all my fault.

All of our lives are our fault.

I just have to get my fucking period and I'll feel better.

What a day.

List? Yeah.

PRODUCTIVITY:

Yoga

Spanish HW

Painting bio

Clean room

Shower

ATC backs

Journal entry(s)

Collect jawns for stuff and things swap

Set up swap for Mary and I!

Write a long letter to NOT send :)

HATE,

BWIT.

Hi, I'm... INCAPABLE OF SLEEPING.

So I'm going to go make a big mess that involves my face, some tequila, paper, and pen.

CHEERS.

HATE,

BWIT.

What.

I am so frustrated and angry, I really feel.... like doing absolutely nothing.

I MUST write this draft, I can do this!

My head is so fucking full. I feel like a little kid with all this pent up bullshit inside, I'm reverting back to lonely destructive ways. I need to radiate and move forward goddamnit.

goddamnit.

I'm not even lonely! I'm surrounded by goodness and people with goodness oozing out of their pores but like a sad little girl "I'm lonely on the inside." [is that even a quote? I felt like it should be.]

Driving in the fucking car and I've got to restrain from bursting into tears, because of, WHAT?

Nobody fulfills that little space you know.

Just you did, and you're not even the same anymore.

I am realizing this and its making me feel all the more alone.

You gave it to me, took it away, and lost it.

I'm still here, I'm still the same, but it seems I've moved nowhere on this path, rather, I feel I've dug a hole and investigated the curious surroundings of my inside and past.

I felt like this once, I become complacent with it and built an attitude of despondency.

I didn't gear this towards myself, oh no, I just settled into the belief of love never existing and me getting along emotionally and physically any which way.

Go with the flow, so to speak.

Then this weird, unusual, chance thing happened, and we just grew together and found this thing buried under the adventure.

Turns out to be the most beautiful treasure I'll have ever experienced.

Of course I don't realize it until now.

But you know, I maybe still believe its just something we build up inside.

But why am I empty?

I am empty.

goddamnit.

HATE,

BWIT.

Aching eyeballs.

Hey you, lets take care of some stuff while I sit here with the computer on my lap!

First, we rant.

My insomnia is flaring up again, staying up until my exhaustion overcomes me is not an option since I have shit to do and kids to watch.

What if I do all my shit in these wee hours? I'm going to try to tonight.

I can't watch the kids next semester.

I can't.

I'll get a lousy minimum wage job that allows me to spend a few days sleeping in and the all access pass to sit in my room and do what I want/need (HELLO HOMEWORK).

Being a mom is not what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Anyway, lets make a list of things... and stuff.

Things I gotta do, BEFORE the 20th:

Finish scavenger hunt swap

Send out cookies to my "family"

Revise argument synthesis (BITCH NEEDS TO SEND ME MY DRAFT)

Analysis

Daddy's scrapbook

Daddy's Hanukkah present

Begin resolution list

Make card for,

My "family"

Aunt Katie

Uncle Tommy and family

Uncle billy

MAKE COOKIES COOKIES COOKIES :)

Clean room

My plan for Wednesday (today?):

Get cookies and card sent out to "family"

Start analysis

Gather things for scavenger hunt swap

Pack for my night out! (ah, love the goodness. day off, YAY)

Put away clothes (this is a large portion of the mess in my room)

Steal one of Zac's hoodies, is that possible?

Call Professor Baker, AGAIN.

Call Aunt Katie :)

Mail Trina's package

Begin resolution list

Wrap Saul's present!

WATCH CABLE TELEVISION AND DRINK BEERS WITH TYLER <3

Sounds like a good day :D

I'm gonna go try and be productive.

HATE,

BWIT.

Woman parts, I hate you.

I'm not making a list today, I am fucking miserable.

Why must being a woman involve this lump of a week where I don't want to do anything?!?

I mean, I'm being mildly productive but the rulings of my universe revolve around my vagina's feelings, like its all powerful and controlling (now she's going to kill me, shit).

REALLY MAN?

I think I'd rather just have a penis.

So, today I found out December was coming.

[DID YOU BRING YOUR COAT?]

I have to make about 30 presents, I have no money, and HEY, EXAMS, FINALS, AND LOTS OF PAPERS DUE.

I'm excited for next semester though, I think I'm gonna like it a lot more.

I'm rambling because I have been drinking black tea all day....

There are good things ahead, there are.

I KNOW!

A list of good things coming along :)

Thanksgiving!

Dinner date with friends I haven't seen in forever!

Giving gifts (I KNOW, its a duality man.)

The possibility of an amazing road trip with my fabulous sister.

The new year beginning (I have huge ideas for a "resolution" plan, I'll make a blog about it sometime.)

Hanging out with new friends, Buggy is really nice, generous, and out of his mind :)

My hair is growing out, AGAIN.

Plans for new body mods!

I'm getting better at staying on top of my shit (by freaking out about it ALL the time.)

On top of everything, I am loving the learning. Its neat.

College experience, you are neat.

I must go and do things that need to be done now.

HATE,

BWIT.

More stuff and things, WHAT ELSE?!?

EDIT FOR, I hate you woman parts:

Hello world, I'm doing, well, I'm doing okay.

The realization that the end of the semester is coming and I have a fuckton of stuff about to be thrown at me has jilted me a little.

I thought me and school were beginning to work out our issues.

In other news, well...... I've got lots of shit to do. duh.

Today is gonna be a swap heavy day.

LIST:

Finish letters

ATC for swap [SUPER HAPPY WITH IT :D]

Plan some sort of fabric drawstring bag for swap too

Finish card(s) [finished one.]

Read assigned material for english

Begin argument synthesis [doing it as we speak ;)]

Lab reports

WORK ON PANEL

Make dinner

Work on Christmas list

Shower

This list isn't so intimidating in size but the individual magnitude of each task is kinda leering at me :(

Alright! GET GOING!

HATE,

BWIT.