here is some life...

Cansada

2010-08-04T17:37:00.001-07:00

I like you guys.

2010-05-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Everyone, watch out. I'm having a moment... Where... I'm just content.
I like all the people who have accumulated in my life.
They are all. so. wonderful.
Thanks for being alive, you great people :)

weird.

HATE,
BWIT.

are you happy with your life right now? your friends? your job? your hobbies?

2010-05-28T22:45:00.001-07:00

I'm not happy with it right now at all. I only know that everything is going to be okay.
I am happy with my friends, quite happy really. I am lucky to have a decent handful of people that fill every inch of themselves with enough to share a good laugh and lots of adventures with. I'm not happy with my job at all, considering I don't have one. It makes me feel very unproductive and that is a state I'm not okay with... Although I am pretty happy with my hobbies. They all grow and thrive sufficiently enough to keep me satiated with questing for menial knowledge I can clench on my own. Life is okay.

I know you've got something on your mind, ask.

How do you know I've got something on my mind? Do you have mind reading powers? If so, do you use them for good or evil? Or awesome? And would you be willing to share these mind reading powers with a very dear friend?

2010-05-28T18:11:00.001-07:00

I know that a majority of the world has got at least a thing or two on their mind. No harm in asking anyway... What are they gonna do, look at my crooked and walk away? It is just some fine-tuned intuition, I guess.
But as for the matter of it being for good or evil, I have no choice. My intuition throws me into situations lending feelings into stuff I'd rather ignore. It is the gray area.
If possible, I'd certainly treat a friend to a good lesson about how my head works... Lets go!

I know you've got something on your mind, ask.

Non-sequitur

2010-05-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

“What are you going to do about the mouse?”
Here we are again. I glance up from sifting through my purse.
My husband is regarding me with measure.
We have been sitting in the Nashville airport for nearly three hours now.
It is always best to end up waiting for an unexplained absentee in the midst of an argument.
“I’m going outside to take some pictures. I’m tired of sitting here, my ass and these seats are not getting along.”
As I say this with my hands still in my purse I feel the smooth plastic of my digital camera amongst my purses insides. I pull it out with a sly look of triumph and stand. Leaving him with a flick of my long red hair.
Unbeknownst to my husband, who knows the layout of this airport better then anyone. I have no idea where I am going.
I guess being the older brother of an orphaned family, to a schizophrenic sister with an endless budget who chooses to live four states away from you requires such.
Why I decided to come along with him this time, I really don’t know. But there is no way in hell I’m telling him that I need anything from him right now.
I head down a hallway passing smooth wooden panels. I look for windows toward a view of the outside but all I see is a glaring monitor set into the wall listing departures and arrivals
Already in a haughty mood I turn around and make a left down another hallway. I pass an armchair and a bookcase and keep walking.
Then realize I just passed a bookcase in an airport.
I turn around and head toward it to check out the titles.
This is why me and my husband are in an argument. I so readily accept anything remotely non-sequitur in nature while he sticks to everything in structured fashion.
My hand settles on what looks like an oversized children’s book given its vibrant color amidst the other dull and uniform books.
As I pull it out I hear a faint clicking noise. I start to scream as the bookcase begins to fall on me but it quickly turns into a gasp as I realize what I have just found.
I lean into the opening expecting some creeping coldness and stone walls but instead I am met with a fragrant, warm air accompanied by a tinkling melody. There is no light so I turn my camera on and snap a picture, utilizing the flash for a quick image. The hallway does not seem endless so I decide to venture forth, sightless into the dark.
As I let my hands trail over the walls to guide me, I realize they are made of rough canvas but are all somehow expertly situated, strung together, and held in a way to create a firm boulevard. Leading me still, to an unknown.
I finally come to a loose portion and push it aside. Stepping into a very dimly lit, round room. The ground is covered in mulch and my footsteps are quieted.
I can hear the music more clearly now, accompanied by laughing and shouting.
I notice a line of light underneath the wall on the other side of the room and walk over to it.
Pushing the canvas aside my senses are accosted by a festival of lights, music, and clouds of perfume and smoke.
There are all variety of people around me; against the furthest wall there is a scant, grungy band consisting of a guitar, toy piano, and accordion. All three men wearing identical hats and suspenders. Lining each wall to the left and right are vanities with big round light bulbs surrounding each mirror. At each table there is a woman more elaborately decorated then the next. Hurriedly applying more decoration from the mass of cosmetics, glitter, feathers, and fauna. Those not lavishly decorating or dressing are lugging heavy equipment through the room. Everyone is talking and laughing.
Someone ties open the canvas I just pushed aside and a parade of assistants with equipment accompanies the light spilling into what I now notice is a circus ring.
Someone grabs my hand, and a throaty voice asks, “What in the world are you doing?”
I am lead quickly to one of the vanities by a weathered old woman wearing layer upon layer of scarves. She pushes a brunette girl occupying one of the vanities out of the way, gesturing at my plainness to erase the angry look on her face.
“Now, since you’ve got red hair we’re going to have to play that up a lot.” I only look at her with my mouth open, struggling for words.
“Oh, here.” She grabs a glass filled with a pale milky liquid off the vanity and shoves it at me. “What is this?” I ask.
I suppose the first thing I should ask her is, “what is going on?” But I was a trite concerned with a mystery beverage being insisted upon me.
“Oh, its lemonade, whatever you want! Drink it now you’re not going to get another chance for anything to touch those lips for at least another two hours.”
Something told me she was not kidding and I was terribly thirsty anyway. After the first tentative sip though, I was quite aware it was not lemonade. All I could taste was sugar. I was about to take another sip to try and place the funny aftertaste but she grabbed my chin and started applying bright red lipstick. “Don’t move now, this stuff is impossible to fix.” I wait patiently while she carefully applies the lipstick, hugging the precise lines with an unerringly intense gaze.
When she finishes I open my mouth to ask the right question but she grabs my chin again, “Don’t move! I have to set the glitter so it dries.”
I sit stock-still for seven whole minutes while she applies a sticky substance and then expertly places flecks of glitter. After she finishes that she starts laying on bright green eye shadow.
“What is going on?” I finally muster. She begins gluing glitter to my eyelids.
“What are you talking about? I should be asking you that. You waltz in here, 20 minutes before show time without so much as a hint of glamour to you!” She is gluing on fake lashes now.
I begin to ask her who exactly she thinks I am when she finishes my eyes and I open them.
Seeing myself in the mirror, a shining beauty in a unique scene. I decide to shut my mouth and see what comes of this. I couldn’t very well expect to walk down a hidden hallway and come out the same woman, could I?
“Take off those clothes, I want to get you dressed so you don’t mess up your hair.”
I begin to open my mouth to that one, and then she hands me a dark blue and green strapless dress made of elegant fabric with a sweeping train.
I wordlessly undress and put on the beautiful dress.
She goes about setting my hair into a high bun and adorning it with matching feathers, dark greens and blues. She pulls out a few hefty strands and curls them and then tops it all off by shaking glitter all over me.
I am handed some giant earrings and a necklace inlaid with blue and green jewels.
“Okay, now. When you go out there and announce the rest of the girls, remember to tell them that you are not performing. This is your show to introduce the new girls but I think a lot of people are still expecting you to steal the show as you usually do- Which you most certainly will not! We agreed on that, remember? No one is electing you for another year.”
I nod my head. What else am I going to do but at least try and pull this off.
While I was being transformed the room had entirely emptied out. The old woman shut the canvas flap as she left and turned around again to remind me, “We agreed.”
I nod my head. When she is gone I sway nervously back and forth. I notice I’m not wearing any shoes and quickly look around me. Spotting some glimmering blue heels on one of the vanity benches. I put them on, a perfect fit.
All I have to announce is my leaving and introduce a crowd of glittering women, what’s so hard about that? I can pull this out of my ass.
I hear a band kick up outside.
I gingerly sit down and look into the mirror. My surreal shininess makes me nervous now. My throat starts closing up. I quickly look around for something to drink. All I find is the mystery sugar substance, as I raise the glass to my lips I remember what the old woman said and decide to carefully dump the contents into my upturned, entirely open mouth. After a giant gulp, I feel a little better. More relaxed. I finish the rest of the glass.
The band has quieted and now I hear the commotion of hundreds of hushed conversations. I walk over to the crack in the canvas and watch what it is I am blindly throwing myself into.
There is a spotlight on a booming announcer as he commands everyone’s attention.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight is the night we introduce to you our new dancers. For ten years the lovely Anastasia has stunningly lead all the past groups and tonight she will pass the privilege on to a new leader. We will miss her terribly. All through the years-”
I stumble back to my seat, my legs feel like jelly. I hold my head in my hands and squeeze my eyes shut.
When I open them, everything in the room is either moving or changing colors.
I hold my hands in front of my face as they grow and shrink in front of my eyes.
I suddenly realize what the funny aftertaste of the drink was.
Absinthe.
I knew it well back in the days before I met my husband. Why hadn’t I recognized it before?
Who ever had mixed the drink I had must have not been able to handle the taste, hence the massive quantities of sugar.
I look toward the flap of canvas.
Well, best not to blow my literally shining moment now.
As I shakily right myself a midget walks into the room leading a white horse.
“Anastasia! Where were you! You were supposed to come get your horse ten minutes ago. Lucky for you to have a thoughtful midget for a best friend, but after two seconds of waiting I knew you weren’t coming and brought him over here. ’Oh, thank you Matilda!” She does a little curtsey and rolls her eyes at me as I stare dumbly.
“As always, no thanks. But I’ll make it up anyway. Now get on! You’re due any second now.”
As if on cue, the announcer belts out “my” introduction.
“INTRODUCING, ANASTASIA!”
“Get on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!” Matilda grabs my hand and mentions for me to mount. I raise a heeled foot into the stirrup and hoist myself onto the saddle in the proper fashion given my dress.
Matilda holds open the canvas and clicks her tongue twice. The horse trots out into the ring, leading me over to a block in front of the crowd as a spotlight follows us.
Boisterous from the Absinthe, I step off the horse onto the block and address the crowd in a booming nature.
“Hello my fellow comrades in celebration! Tonight is the night I blaze out of this frontier and bequeath the incredible power to unite a group of talented dancers to their full potential. To say I will miss my position is an understatement. To say I am doing it happily is nonsense! I can do nothing more but leave you all with a beautiful performance and hopes that you will remember my past performances enough for me to leave without one. Goodnight everyone!”
I mount the horse again and blow everyone a kiss. Then I remember that I don’t know how to guide the horse.
I sit dumbfounded while the band starts up a fast number and the decorated girls race out on their horses in a circle around the ring with me in the middle. The glitter and vibrant colors everyone is wearing blurs together and creates a pulsing sphere around me, getting smaller and smaller. My chest feels incredibly heavy. I sway dangerously, reaching out for the reins on the horse to steady me. My growing and shrinking hand grasps nothing and I fall off the horse. Smashing my head on the wooden block I spoke from not a minute ago.
As I lay in the mulch, staring at the swinging spotlights above me. I feel a sharp pinch on my hand and look down to see a little brown mouse.
“Viper, you klutz. That is my hand, not a piece of damn cheese!” And promptly pass out.

I awake to my husband gently nudging me as I lay napping in the armchair with the children’s book, “Anastasia’s Last Performance” sprawled in my lap.
“Hon, my sister is here. We have to go now.”
I gaze up at him and slowly stand.
“I found Viper.” I tell him.
I pull the mouse out of my coat pocket where he was happily chewing on my camera.
He stares at me with amazement.
“That is incredible! Where was he! Oh, honey. Thank you so much! I’m sorry I was mad. I just didn’t know what we were going to tell my sister. Oh, you‘re incredible. Just incredible, you know that?”
He kisses me full on the lips and we walk hand in hand, out of the airport.

On winning things.

2010-03-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am beyond incredibly exuberant.
I won best literary submission for one of my fictional stories!
I fucking WON something, for a SKILL.
I AM APPRECIATED.
In this whole mess of life that I subtly nod my head at and partake in a hidden path I decided to throw something out there, and was noticed.
I feel really good.
I feel great.
No one is home and I have been screaming with joy.
I don't know what to do, I still have an hour and a half until class and I can't friggen focus on anything! I did some algebra homework, so thats an accomplishment.
But guys, I'm so happy! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I don't know what to do with all this joy, I fear something is going to come crush me.
My Mondays have been having oddly terrible things happening on them.
SO.
Lets just make today okay and let me enjoy this beautiful moment of MINE.

HATE,
BWIT.

Hello existence.

2010-03-21T13:58:00.001-07:00

I am feeling really wonderful today. Incredibly exhausted, very slightly exasperated, and still hungry (mmm, PMSing!), I'm out of vitamins and probably gonna have a painful period, but just really wonderful and content.
How can one person, one shared feeling put this whole pull on your world?
Its just GREAT.
I have some critiques to do (GR), algebra homework I'm like 2 weeks behind on, gotta scrub out the oven, I want to write a really nice long letter out for the boy for his birthday, I mean, other then that, things are great!
I got my poetry done (I don't know how I feel about it, I will share the rest with you guys later), I got nearly all of my swaps done, I spent a really beautiful day outside with Justin yesterday and then we came home and made dinner together, which was incredibly sweet :) :) :) I'm dropping painting class because it makes me miserable, the weather is just SO GODDAMN GORGEOUS, my favorite class is tomorrow (creative writing), I get to see Justin again, I got all my chores and jobs done yesterday, I'm gonna make some cookies later (oh the joys of PMS <3), and life has been smooth and pleasantly eventful.
I am just goddamn content.
Which scares me a little, but thats not to stop me from enjoying this!

I'm gonna work on my critiques and then make cookies :D

HATE,
BWIT.

Weird.

2010-03-06T11:08:00.000-08:00

So, a couple weeks ago my postie Paul asked me to tell his tape recorder a story.
So I went out to my quiet car and told the little machine about my Mom and my first car, Luhmberg.
The next week he gave me this story back on a CD, I didn't get around to listening to it until last night.
I was feeling really shitty because of dumb-boy-games and realized it was laying on my floor.
So I popped it into the CD player and plugged my headphones in...
I listened to my story, awed at how confused people must be if they heard it and how it didn't seem to carry out the emotion I actually felt of the story.
Then after my story was a slew of random other peoples stories, some cut and sewn together, overlapping each other.
Voices, noises, idle twanging on instruments, short stories, long stories, poems.
I laid and listened to all of it.
Dumbfounded at how comforting it was.
This guy at the post office... What does he do with himself!
What thought inspired him to take these pieces of life and staple them together to form this soundtrack, to give us those little peeps of others personalities and share them.
We are not alone.
He has inspired me to a degree, I'm not sure in what direction yet but it stopped my crying and put me to sleep with a smile on my face.
Thanks Paul.

HATE,
BWIT.

Pieces.

2010-03-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

There are little things
everywhere.

The post man Paul
he's my B-F-F

The sky
its blue

The people
they amuse
bring a smile to my face
a thought to my head

5 am
The rat
running across the kitchen floor

Your sweet soft lips
grazing my skin
the shivers that follow

The horizon to view
atop the brink of youth and age

The climb is all there is

The hilarity of a misplaced mundane phrase
the shared gaze
you know

The ink bleeding out of the pen
baring my soul
in a visible form

Do any of you see?

Observe.

HATE,
BWIT.

HA HA

2010-02-27T02:04:00.001-08:00

Randomly browsing YahooAnswers and someone asked:

"What has love taken over in your life?"

And without thinking much I replied with this:

Love has taken over everything.
Glowing and dulling in absence or vigor of it.
Then it left and spit everything back up, covered in a phlegm of loss that was the fertilizer of a growth.
Showing me I had left my own life and lived in love.

I'm still not sure if I'd like the thing back.

Heh, I got best answer :)
I thought that was a fun 5 am experience.

HATE,
BWIT.

The snow, yo...

2010-02-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

I am inside, again, thinking of nothing but homework and how much I'm really just not looking forward to things anymore.
I haven't even thought about my birthday since, a couple weeks ago I guess, it fails to incite my happiness for the future anymore.
There are good things abound, I just need to get outside, I wanted to go camping and was looking forward to it, but my "bro" of course bails on me.
He may not think I know but I'm far too intuitive and a good reader of subtle nuances of human nature for my own good (hey, fuck you lifelong people watching hobbies).
I know you are surrounded in her, thoughts of her, and quite possibly still fucking her behind her boyfriends back.
I asked you to just please communicate so I would know what to do. I would appreciate you standing to your word you asshole, so just fucking tell me.
You're just about my only friend in this world I feel so goddamn alone in anymore and I'm so sick of everyone letting me down, no one fucking gives a shit, I got used to that, and then you promised.
But you're too busy fucking the only girl I hate in this world.
I meditate, I eat, I push through and do my homework, I wipe away the tears that squeak out at all too inconvenient times for no reason, I write, I write so goddamn much anymore, I wake up and write, I write before I sleep, I start having a panic attack while staring into space and write, I think of something to say to you, but only write it down.
I'm tired of my emotions making me feel like I'm dying, like my mind is slipping away, like I'll just lay down, have another panic attack, and this one just won't end.
Tired of thinking of you and my stomach hurting, tired of feeling so full yet so goddamn empty, tired of being without hugs, and tired of being alive.
This snow is beautiful.... and it is burying me.
Can't I just have a conversation with a wonderful crazy person that will listen to me? We'll take turns.
You're a good kid.

HATE,
BWIT.

Inside, a dystopia.

2010-01-31T19:22:00.000-08:00

raving like a lunatic without even saying anything

invisible swells that silently engulf everything

gibbering like a baby while holding my own hand telling you

everything is going to be okay

a cleanse

a space

an uninterrupted moment

please

my head is an unpleasant phantasmagoria

how can one not control their own head?

what

is going on

here

HATE,

BWIT.

I like rain but....

2010-01-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

I despise waking up to a gloomy darkened day, it seriously fucks up my whole mood for the day.

Like now! I feel like total shit and I really have to get my Spanish homework and bio for painting completed but I just keep running back to mopey thoughts.

All I want to do is talk to you but I'm really, really trying to hold everything under control and be as uninvolved as possible so as not to fuck anything up.

I had a wonderful night on Friday, I went bowling with the usual crew (Piper, Tyler, and Zac :D)and then had drunken game night with my bro afterwards which turned into a giant sobbing fest because I'm all pms-y and emotional add drunk and overtired on top of that as well... but the thing was, it was great. I sorted out a lot of shit and I haven't had anyone hold me while I was crying in a very long while, it was the most relief I've experienced in a very long time but now I process the situation and realize I don't even know if I honestly trust him anymore. I just laid out half my being for him to investigate and I'm terrified.

I can't keep doing this, this is all I fucking do!

Just hoard and bottle all of my emotions until they get so tangled and synonymous I can't get them out, they just implode at random moments and leave me fragmented and sobbing uncontrollably.

My entire life just feels like a giant pile of shit and its all my fault.

All of our lives are our fault.

I just have to get my fucking period and I'll feel better.

What a day.

List? Yeah.

PRODUCTIVITY:

Yoga

Spanish HW

Painting bio

Clean room

Shower

ATC backs

Journal entry(s)

Collect jawns for stuff and things swap

Set up swap for Mary and I!

Write a long letter to NOT send :)

HATE,

BWIT.

Hi, I'm... INCAPABLE OF SLEEPING.

2010-01-04T22:54:00.001-08:00

So I'm going to go make a big mess that involves my face, some tequila, paper, and pen.

CHEERS.

HATE,

BWIT.

What.

2009-12-18T23:09:00.000-08:00

I am so frustrated and angry, I really feel.... like doing absolutely nothing.

I MUST write this draft, I can do this!

My head is so fucking full. I feel like a little kid with all this pent up bullshit inside, I'm reverting back to lonely destructive ways. I need to radiate and move forward goddamnit.

goddamnit.

I'm not even lonely! I'm surrounded by goodness and people with goodness oozing out of their pores but like a sad little girl "I'm lonely on the inside." [is that even a quote? I felt like it should be.]

Driving in the fucking car and I've got to restrain from bursting into tears, because of, WHAT?

Nobody fulfills that little space you know.

Just you did, and you're not even the same anymore.

I am realizing this and its making me feel all the more alone.

You gave it to me, took it away, and lost it.

I'm still here, I'm still the same, but it seems I've moved nowhere on this path, rather, I feel I've dug a hole and investigated the curious surroundings of my inside and past.

I felt like this once, I become complacent with it and built an attitude of despondency.

I didn't gear this towards myself, oh no, I just settled into the belief of love never existing and me getting along emotionally and physically any which way.

Go with the flow, so to speak.

Then this weird, unusual, chance thing happened, and we just grew together and found this thing buried under the adventure.

Turns out to be the most beautiful treasure I'll have ever experienced.

Of course I don't realize it until now.

But you know, I maybe still believe its just something we build up inside.

But why am I empty?

I am empty.

goddamnit.

HATE,

BWIT.

Aching eyeballs.

2009-12-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

Hey you, lets take care of some stuff while I sit here with the computer on my lap!

First, we rant.

My insomnia is flaring up again, staying up until my exhaustion overcomes me is not an option since I have shit to do and kids to watch.

What if I do all my shit in these wee hours? I'm going to try to tonight.

I can't watch the kids next semester.

I can't.

I'll get a lousy minimum wage job that allows me to spend a few days sleeping in and the all access pass to sit in my room and do what I want/need (HELLO HOMEWORK).

Being a mom is not what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Anyway, lets make a list of things... and stuff.

Things I gotta do, BEFORE the 20th:

Finish scavenger hunt swap

Send out cookies to my "family"

Revise argument synthesis (BITCH NEEDS TO SEND ME MY DRAFT)

Analysis

Daddy's scrapbook

Daddy's Hanukkah present

Begin resolution list

Make card for,

My "family"

Aunt Katie

Uncle Tommy and family

Uncle billy

MAKE COOKIES COOKIES COOKIES :)

Clean room

My plan for Wednesday (today?):

Get cookies and card sent out to "family"

Start analysis

Gather things for scavenger hunt swap

Pack for my night out! (ah, love the goodness. day off, YAY)

Put away clothes (this is a large portion of the mess in my room)

Steal one of Zac's hoodies, is that possible?

Call Professor Baker, AGAIN.

Call Aunt Katie :)

Mail Trina's package

Begin resolution list

Wrap Saul's present!

WATCH CABLE TELEVISION AND DRINK BEERS WITH TYLER <3

Sounds like a good day :D

I'm gonna go try and be productive.

HATE,

BWIT.

Woman parts, I hate you.

2009-11-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not making a list today, I am fucking miserable.

Why must being a woman involve this lump of a week where I don't want to do anything?!?

I mean, I'm being mildly productive but the rulings of my universe revolve around my vagina's feelings, like its all powerful and controlling (now she's going to kill me, shit).

REALLY MAN?

I think I'd rather just have a penis.

So, today I found out December was coming.

[DID YOU BRING YOUR COAT?]

I have to make about 30 presents, I have no money, and HEY, EXAMS, FINALS, AND LOTS OF PAPERS DUE.

I'm excited for next semester though, I think I'm gonna like it a lot more.

I'm rambling because I have been drinking black tea all day....

There are good things ahead, there are.

I KNOW!

A list of good things coming along :)

Thanksgiving!

Dinner date with friends I haven't seen in forever!

Giving gifts (I KNOW, its a duality man.)

The possibility of an amazing road trip with my fabulous sister.

The new year beginning (I have huge ideas for a "resolution" plan, I'll make a blog about it sometime.)

Hanging out with new friends, Buggy is really nice, generous, and out of his mind :)

My hair is growing out, AGAIN.

Plans for new body mods!

I'm getting better at staying on top of my shit (by freaking out about it ALL the time.)

On top of everything, I am loving the learning. Its neat.

College experience, you are neat.

I must go and do things that need to be done now.

HATE,

BWIT.

More stuff and things, WHAT ELSE?!?

2009-11-20T10:30:00.001-08:00

EDIT FOR, I hate you woman parts:

Hello world, I'm doing, well, I'm doing okay.

The realization that the end of the semester is coming and I have a fuckton of stuff about to be thrown at me has jilted me a little.

I thought me and school were beginning to work out our issues.

In other news, well...... I've got lots of shit to do. duh.

Today is gonna be a swap heavy day.

LIST:

Finish letters

~~ATC for swap~~ [SUPER HAPPY WITH IT :D]

Plan some sort of fabric drawstring bag for swap too

~~Finish card(s)~~ [finished one.]

~~Read assigned material for english~~

~~Begin argument synthesis~~ [doing it as we speak ;)]

Lab reports

WORK ON PANEL

Make dinner

Work on Christmas list

~~Shower~~

This list isn't so intimidating in size but the individual magnitude of each task is kinda leering at me :(

Alright! GET GOING!

HATE,

BWIT.

Hello world, make me do things.

2009-11-15T19:06:00.001-08:00

EDIT FOR SOME SUCCESS:

Alright, so I'm trying out the list on here deal again, we'll see how it goes.

LIST:

~~Work on yeast paper~~

~~English homework~~

Finish Christmas list and make supply list [I think everyone is gonna be getting cookies and scarves from me this year, damnit :(]

~~Buy stationary~~ [decided to upcycle some cardstock into an awesome design!]

~~OH, and find a pendant/beads for necklace in swap~~

Make ATC(s) for swap [doing this]

Work on card(s) [and this, today]

~~Apply at htss inc~~

~~Talk to Dad about getting a job, heh~~ [decided against this, the kids are gonna be here soon and Dad said he will pay me to hardcore clean the office otherwise]

~~Make fresh snickerdoodles and send with a letter to Isaac~~

~~Mail boys glasses!~~

~~Start cleaning room, I believe in you!~~

~~Pack lunch~~

Work on my lab reports [doing this today]

~~Shower~~

Man, I CAN DO THIS.

Oh my goodness, I wanna cut my hair off.

Shit.

HA.

Okay, must go pour booze into myself so I can sleep and do all this business tomorrow!

G'NIGHT!

HATE,

BWIT.

Success! Sort of...

2009-11-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

EDIT FOR SUCCESS :D

LIST:

~~Clean out fridge~~

~~Mop first floor~~

~~Arrange furniture~~ (I'm doing this after breakfast)

~~Make bill make mix CD's~~ (we made a list, she shall do it today)

~~Wrap Jakes present~~ (and also this)

START YEAST PAPER (Savannah and I talked about it, thats productive)

~~Shop for food, decorations?~~ (doing this today??)

Straighten my room [UGH] (HA!)

~~Pin curl hair~~

Buy paper for letters, or stationary? (going to stop by K-mart and see if they gots anything)

~~I hate shopping.~~(EASY!)

~~Send Bee ATC's~~

~~Finish jar~~

~~Make Jello shots~~ (doing this today)

~~Make mousse?~~

~~I love mousse.~~ (decided not to)

Hm, I'd say I was fairly successful!

Me putting my junk up here helps motivate me I think.

So huzzah for that.

OFF TO DO SHIT!

HATE,

BWIT.

Oh insomnia!

2009-11-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

Its getting worse, or maybe I just put too much crap on my plate?

I usually sleep better with another person.... hm.

Well, its not working this time.

Most nights I just lay in bed until I finally do fall asleep just to be polite but I had tons of shit to do so I got up, and now what am I doing? Blogging and drinking.

I need two arguments against my synthesis topic.

And to work on our yeast paper, and to find my sources, getting up to date on my reading would be awesome too, but we know how that goes.

I would write in my journal, I SHOULD write in my journal but thats upstairs next to my bed containing a sleeping guy.......

So hi blogger!

List:

[I've been making a bajillion lists lately, fuck.]

Things I need to do tomorrow, well, technically later today.....

SLEEP. guhg. I am out of my mind lately.

heh.

Take two.

LIST:

Clean out fridge

Mop first floor

Arrange furniture

Make bill make mix CD's

Wrap Jakes present

START YEAST PAPER

Shop for food, decorations?

Straighten my room [UGH]

Pin curl hair

Buy paper for letters, or stationary?

I hate shopping.

Send Bee ATC's

Finish jar

Make Jello shots

Make mousse?

I love mousse.

Okay, I'm totally gonna come back and tell ya'll how many tasks I complete :)

By the way, my Dad is an incredible man.

So is my Mom.... and my siblings..... and my Bffl.

You are all wonderful.

Thanks for sticking around.

HATE,

BWIT.

Homework and crying.

2009-11-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

Ha, I am here, at 12:30 am, staring at this computer screen, doing everything but my homework.

Phone bill, clean the kitchen, swap-bot, mental organization, watch movie with kids, take shower, have sex, eat, listen to music, ponder...... ponder.

Why do I do this? I'm like the worst procrastinator ever, I just really don't like my english teacher! I love Doris, my Bio teacher. She is wonderful.

Hey Brittany, what are you going to do with your life?

Sit, think, listen, translate, write it down, think! Oh, and eat :D

Okay, 5 major goals in life, lets go.

1. Be a mother to my own child.

2. Have my own place.

3. Write a book.

4. Travel alone.

5. Graduate.

I can do all that!

Now, to get to that goal?

1. Take care of myself?

2. Save lots of money. Getting a job would also help quite a bunch. I should start making things and trying to sell them. Which would entail me fixing my sewing machine or getting a new one, damnit.

3. Write, remember, write, ponder, write, write it all down, then sit down, edit, and compile.

4. This would also benefit from the saving of lots of money, I also need to decide where, get passport, and research.

5. Stop procrastinating and do your fucking homework and shit! Oh, hey, and DECIDE WHAT YOU WANNA DO.

Look at that, this is all a step towards doing things, yeah.

No? Maybe..... Well, its easing my mind a bit.

That constitutes productivity.

HUZZAH.

HATE,

BWIT.

Rambling lady, there.

2009-10-22T13:56:00.001-07:00

Lacking in "proper" communication, slacking in pronunciation, seeking in revelations, finding too many frustrations, delving into your explanation, understanding your evolution, I am on a quest, my obstacles are perilous.

HATE,

BWIT.

Frustrations, always.

2009-10-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

We are all dealt, we can not control what we are dealt.

We can only play the best hand possible.

I am surrounded by an aching, I am wondering what to do to stop this, or even if I did it to myself, because in the grand scheme of your mind, your feelings are nothing but your own.

I read someone elses thoughts, "...because we missed each other too much." Is this a logical reason?

Why must everything be so logical? We are so set in reasoning, what ever happened to feeling?

Feeling doesn't make the world go round I guess.

So what am I supposed to do with mine? What do you do with yours?

HATE,

BWIT.

Stupid kids, You and I.

2009-09-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

So what am I supposed to do, I seem to ask that question a lot....

But its not like we're all born with the goddamn answers, okay?!?

I'm always upset and angry, with what?

I go on a walk and look at the wildflowers growing on the side of the road and get pissed off, WHY?

NO, NO REALLY.... WHY?

Be more constructive with yo feedback.

Of course I meander along every possibility inside my head, its a free tool.

Now, not acting on curiosity is another challenge.

I have these 2 huge sides fighting for advantage of the right to control my will.

I want to be insane and spontanous and happy, but the other side wants to be content, stable, thought out, and ready.

They fight a lot and I don't know how to sort them out or make them compromise.

What is "right?"

I am a riling, spiraling, moment of constant energy.

I just want to lay down to go to sleep and not be confronted by every goddamn thing ever, it gets tiring, thinking about everything, always.

Fucking assholes.

HATE,

ALWAYS,

BWIT.

Why not?

2009-09-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

Do you all feel so much better about yourselves because you found this little "community"?

Everyone is the same, and what we are doing is alllllright.

This is fun, This is so underground, This is just what I need.

Let me live for this, even though everything I build it up to be is a figment of my influenced imagination.

You all think you are fighting some mainstream global view.

You are all just a bunch of fucking sheep.

Grow up.

Go fucking look at something and enjoy it sober.

Are any of you capable of that?

Can you exist one day without the pursuit of what you make oh-so-important?

Can your views, beliefs, and morals live past next weekend?

Heres to ya'll making me love ya.

HATE,

BWIT.

Ready, stop.

2009-08-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am so confused, so I think I am going to take a step back.

And watch.

Interesting.

HATE,

BWIT.

40+the world

2009-08-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

Fuck everyone.

You display and advertise your winning personality, but all you are is shit underneath.

BE WHAT YOU ARE, be honest and reliable.

That's all I ask.

But every one of you are just....

Fucking tards.

I wouldn't mind the shitty parts if ya'll were just HONEST AND RELIABLE.

But everyone is too obsessed with their appeal to everyone else and the need to force themselves hurriedly forward without glancing out the window at the beautiful clouds or grazing farm animals.

There is so much fucking beauty and wonder around you that you just have to STOP, thinking about yourself and look around.

What do you see?

Isn't it wonderful :)

I want someone, a friend, a lover, a stranger, a girl, a boy, you, lets go outside and look at the sky, lets run our hands through the tall grass, and watch the insects live their tiny unacknowledged, fascinating lives.

I need a good friend, and I fear all the ones I've gathered just don't fit the bill.

Won't ya'll prove me wrong?

HATE,

BWIT.

Oh, I see....

2009-06-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

I'm in a very, very good mood, good a thing as any to blog about, WEE!
I'm getting things done, and I am SO happy you're not here, why didn't I do it sooner?
I didn't even feel life with you, you were just a Debbie Downer, you brought me down because you were down, I feel like I can do so much now.
I am EXCITED, for tattoos, and college, and camping, and being held, and discovering all these new things that were hidden under that musty nasty blanket we were coddling in.
I have friends.
I have the most wonderful family.
I have SO much ahead of me.
I am excited.
I am happy.
And everything will be okay :)

HATE,
BWIT :D

The world

2009-05-13T17:34:00.000-07:00

I just can't stand the world, no, I can stand it.
I just HATE IT.

OH JEEZ, everyone is just happier to live in their heads and lies, its easier and more comfortable.
SUuuuuuuuuuuuurrrreee.

That is why this world is the way it is.
OPEN UP, learn, grow, live, live live live!
Be happy! Be sad, but then get happy!
Smile :D
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay, even now I am supremely pissed off and angry but I know that everything will be okay.
mmmm, I should get a tattoo ;)
I'm gonna go on a drive with Savannah, SHE is there for me. BFFL YA!

HATE,
Bwit :)

so yeah,

2009-01-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

So, its two thirty in the morning and I have to get up at six thirty..
Saul is sleeping, he's very tired.
I would really like him to wake up and just talk and giggle and him pull me closer so I feel better.
But I don't want to wake him up.
so, how are you?
I'm kinda shitty..
oh? why is that??
I don't know, I'm feeling kinda down about life and where I'm at in this moment and the weather really sucks and no one is really optimistic or positive about anything anymore so I'm kinda the only one left smiling, no one understands you know??
that CAN be frustrating..
yes, I'd like to sit in a hammock and just. sit with someone for awhile. while the sun is going down, with a buzz from alcohol going on in my head, and obviously it will be warm out, and it won't be awkward at all. we will just enjoy the sitting.
I'll sit with you.
thank you.
when will we do that?
I don't know, lets go camping!
YES! I want to!
YAY! I'm excited now!
me too! ugh, I want rice krispie treats and some real food.
I know I'm really hungry.. thats another thing I was thinking about. my own place. I just can't wait to just, put food in my OWN fridge, and sweep MY floor, and take a bath and not worry about anyone barging in on me or being on the other side of the wall, and I want a garden and a tree. no. I want to live in a treehouse. it doesn't have to be big. it can be tiny. I'll love it :)
that sounds really nice, when are we going camping?!
I don't know. I'm going to go wake Saul up. goodnight!
night.

HATE,
BWIT.
:)

well,

2008-10-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not doing anything, with anything.
if I could just get an apartment keep my job and just pay bills and eat for the rest of my life I'd be content.
But I'm not content because according to everyone elses fucking standards you know, my life is just, not right.
Like why can't I live at my own pace?? Why does my subtle happiness need to be considered to the humdrum average of everyone elses life and how mines SUPPOSED to be??

I don't get along with basically everyone in this damn world.
THAT is not MY "problem"! It is no damn bother at all that I won't hang out with people whose habits, morals, personality's, FACES I don't like.
If it bothers you i'm sorry.
But I guess there are other people worthy of your presence okay.
I'm not saying that I am some great person and I'm so neat to hang out with, I'm just, bothered by, people.
I don't want to hear your voice or see your face,
go away.

I don't really talk to anyone about well, anything anymore.
I talk to Savannah and Jake sometimes and surely Saul as well, but yeah, I don't know, i don't really care, I'm trapped. I need to get out and fuck some shit up or something..
fuck,
I'm gonna go read okay?
okay.

fuck,
BWIT.

back

2008-04-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

well, you may not be, but, it feels like you are..
IS it me? idk, i think i'm being pretty rational, you just blow up about everything, and, i, i don't feel like bitching much anymore, go get your carrots and put them in the shed before it rains, you never know what might happen in a big ol' storm like dis one.. ya see, back in da day i was the big man on da farm, i churned the butter and i dug up the potatos, now i sit all day long in my rocking chair and tell YOU all about those days. But their gone alright, gone like the wind, gone off to these new days with your cellys and flavored liqours, the worlds gone mad i say..

i gotta go out to chinese with papa and son..

bye.

where have all of you gone?

2008-01-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

sighh, well, i'm ANGRY, idk why, pms? sure..

left my journal, knew that was a stupid idea, ughh, whats your problem man, WHAT!
and i've got suspicions, i don't want them..

fuck this, this pisses me off too..

OOOHhhh

2007-12-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

yeh, sittin on my ass.. seems i finally mustered something and can now ramble.
ugh, i got this scarf on man, its nice, i've drank like four cups of water since i've been sitting
here, peed ehhh three times?
my stomach feels not so great, probably all the dredal playing, i lost twice now, yeahhh me and bekkah made up new rules, gotta have a shot glass of hotsauce if you lose, LUCKY ME.
oh, and just pregnancy in general, RIGHT! assholes, i'm not pregnant.
uhhh, lost my train of thought.. texty texts.
YES, i got plans to wrestle, i'm good man, REAL good.
OH, i forgot, i had something to do today, shit, i'll get back to this jawn..
urgh, tomorrow then, WOO, me and zac made cookies last night, their fantastic.
exactly what i needed really..
FUCKKKkkkkkin a
man
cant do it anymore,

HATE,
BWIT

shit

2007-11-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

So, Saul thought I wanted to break up with him today, he got very upset, it upset me..
I don't think theres a me and Tommy anymore, and its not my side choosing this.
I will not be dragged through shit.
And honestly I think me and Saul's relationship is a lot more comfortable, a lot more uh, developed.
I don't know, I think i'd pick Saul over Tommy honestly.
hey, why are we doing this??
dunno, i'm gonna stop on that subject.

My family is turning into shit.
and theres nothing I can do about it except sit back and cry, hold my tongue and sigh, close my eyes and swallow my tears, turn around and trash your insanity.
all I can do is wait for you all to leave and I'll go back to my "perfect life" and pretend its all okay.
i'm sorry.

here,
i'm sorry.

bwit.

happy fucking bums.

2007-11-02T18:39:00.000-07:00

Its a good fucking day.

EVERYday, is a good day.

I love my family, and by family I mean Saul and Bekkah.

I would be so empty and lost without them with me, without them to accompany on my travelings, without them to harrass, without them to listen to the shit that somes out of my head.

ahhhh, good day, thats it.

now what?

2007-10-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

So what do I do?

Why do I always have to do all the things in my head, sometimes its so hard to just think and be alive, sometimes I just don't want to think, don't we ever get a break?

Is that why we do all these drugs and drink?

It doesn't work that way for me, most of the time I'm really uncomfortable when I'm on drugs, or they make me think like fifty trillion times more then before, and then theres always the morning after, yeah, way too much to think about then.

UUGHhhghhghhh.

Sometimes, I really wish I didn't have diseases.

And even if I found a someone with diseases, I don't want them, I want you.

ughhhhhhhhhhh.

Mom,Family,People.

Make me MAD.

I need to get myself in check, be more peaceful and not so fucking short tempered.

HA, right there I just got mad at myself, I suck...

Yeah well, I'm going to go get a slurpy and a lighter.

HATE,

BWIT

there it all goes

2007-10-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like such total shit and do you know who has done it?
Who has so simply and easily fucked up my day and plenty of days forth?
Who else, everything she does is everything she told me not to.
Everything she says is bullshit.
AND I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM IT.
I'm not going to separate myself from my family because my mother is insane.

Other news..
...... well, idk, thats about all thats in my head, there are other things, but, well
I realllyreaaallllly want to have sex, don't we all though.
Thats too bad for me right...........
I'd like Tommy to break up with me or tell me when he is unsure about things, or hey, maybe idk, like, i don't like finding out he has a girlfriend through my little sister, and that he's fucked other girls. idk, i feel a little SHITTY.
I like my job.
I like mashed potatos.
I'm doing okay.
I am.
ugh, i want to go back to Bekkahs and we be a nice little family with Saul.
yeah, i feel i've been traveling back down the path of regular pot smoking, not really anything wrong with that i guess, right?
right.

i'm going to go shooooweerrr and party.
nice to be here,
thank you all for having me.

HATE,
bwibwi

ugh, ughugh

2007-10-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

So, we were supposed to eat chocolates (Me, Bekkah and Saul).

But I just, I dont know, definitely not during my fucking PMS.

I feel like a shit though, we've been planning this for like a month, and now, i'm just abandoning everyone, but like fuck, i'm not going to screw around with that shit you know.

EVERYTHINGS PUSHING ME.

I feel like crying and screaming, but its like, it hasn't.. built up enough, so its just this incredibly uncomfortable feeling inside of my muscles and head and behind my eyes.

And I DO want to talk, but I can't think of anything to say.

Its just, UGHHHHHH.
ugh, ugh,ugh.

Bitching about it does nothing, and even when I start bitching about things, I just stop, I don't want to, not going to do anything about it.

let it be.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I wanna cut off my leg and eat it, i'll feel so much better.

HATE,

bwibwi

good, goodgood

2007-10-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

"how can i hurt when i'm holding youuu"

yeah man, good morninnnggg

do you ever get a morning, when you make your eggs just right and you've just got a whole mix of fantastic feel good songs and you're just chillin and theres nothing ahead but good times and good friends?

its a good day :))

and yet, you're a fuckup, you're going nowhere, you're screwing up everybodys lives and you're just a shitty person.

and no matter how much you miss him and care about him, you couldn't be monogamous for anyone. why would he even like you anymore.

everything will be okay.

oh it will and i believe it.

everything will be okay.

'~'

HATE,

bwibwi

nerves

2007-09-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

well, its been some good days these days.
gotta get a job, that i do.
but other then that, i live right next to everyone now.
and thats just fantastic.
my ear is weepy and pussy.
i am afraid.
i need a tattoo, or a piercing but what the hell can i get pierced thats not on my face?
and no, no more ear business right now.
no vag either.
i was thinking, i need a TATTOO.
jebus.
i told Tommy he has to design one and then stab me.
so that, will be awesome.
i miss him so much its just not funny.
but i don't know, its weird like, i do miss him, a whooolle lot, but like, i'm okay, i keep on going without like, it bothering me, but i think about him every other minute.
hi i'm gay.
gahhhh,
yeah?
hahahaa, well, i should eat, and do something productive, like clean up from my fish.
well damn.

HATE,
bwibwi :\

i misss

2007-09-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

the good old days,
when i didn't have boobs and rode bikes with my brother and laughed at the boys who liked me, scaled the backs of franchises and old theaters, climbed on tops of roofs just because, stalked people and wore shoelaces to capture people, lived simply to laugh.
the days of good old childhood basically.
where everyone told you things (whatever they were) you asked because you were small and thats how it went.
when the most exciting thing in the world was a rattle or a bike or ballons or getting to go to the store down the street all by yourself.
not worrying about what i'm going to do next.
tommy.
the days when hanging out with a boy was just that, not having everyone down your back about what to look for in a guy for the rest of your life, let me go.
and then of course, i miss the good old days of complete "irresponsiblity" the days i would go to vals house nearly every friday for the same fantastic party, same old getting drunk and high, same old dancing around her backyard with no shirt on, same old not caring who i kissed, same old to different drugs, same old to just getting fucked up, same old same old.
ssdd.
same shit different day.
different shit new day.
keep on with the keepin on, just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming.
life is good, life is good just like this, life is good.
everything will be okay.
:))

fuck growing up and all of it.

stress release.

2007-09-02T15:41:00.001-07:00

1. i have no idea what to do with you, or how i should feel, but isn't that bullshit, taking everyone else's opinions on how i should feel about you, but, you know what, maybe its just not supposed to be, and no matter how much you care or how much fucking sense it makes. i cant let you hurt them. how in the hell do i say goodbye though, how do i end this. its just not right for this to be. and if you don't believe me when i say i'm sorry, if you don't believe me when i tell you i care about you then that is your decision. and i'd like it to work, i really would, i'd like you to see you know, have a revalation, i can't expect you to grow up right now though, maybe thats what i'm asking. but maybe, this is just who you are. i will miss you.

2. how could i be so incredibly dumb. you are so fucking wonderful and i can barely believe that you would want to be with me. i feel like i could spend my whole life with you and it could do nothing but get better. but because of my own stupidity (multiple times) i can't. or, i guess i can't in multiple ways, there is so much more i'd love to do with you, so much more i'd like to love you. how do i fix this? do you really want to be with me? i ask myself so many times, or do you just feel sorry for me? but how could you fake what we've had. somehow, you're the one, and if it ends, i can do nothing but remember, and believe me i will always remember, and i will tell you, i am sorry. how many times will i say it though, and you just forgive me. its not fair, i have nothing bad to say about you, and i could ramble for so long, soo long, i miss you so much, i miss you every other minute.

3. you confuse the hell out of me, but i tell you what, i wouldnt be, i just wouldnt if you werent my friend, nearly my very best friend. some of the best times in my life have been with you, you're my pea. but sometimes i feel like i am basing a lot of something on nothing, there are times i feel all i am doing is hanging on to you because i've got nothing else to do, but its not true. you are my best friend and all i can hope is that you are still here, and that you just hold on through all of my stupidity. please don't get lost, you've come so far, you're so much more farther then me. thank you for being there. stupidass.

4. i've become so close to you, its crazy, and i tell you, you're dumb, but you're small still and you will learn, you can't worry about all that shit, you're going through some crazy shit, but everything will be okay, you still have so much more growing to do, and you are such a cool chick already, i can't imagine what or who you are going to be when you "grow up" i just hope i'm there for it, and that i can help you as best i can, i try and give you advice, and i hope its at least okay advice, cheers for good years, or something.

..............more later. i promise.

everything melts.

2007-08-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

well hi there buddy, do you need batterys for anything tonight?
mygod, i'm going to quit toys r us, then move in with zac, then work at wendys til i get a waitressing job.
psh, party, and also, enroll at upper dublin, if i can.
like DOUBLE PARTY.
fuck, i don't feel like living right now, being alive is so boooorrriinnng, i feel like all the seams in my head are popping, and my head is hanging on by a tinsy hinge of skin.
plop.
ha.
ha.
i need some gore, this is boringggg.
everyone has got a life.
what the hell am i doing here.
this is one of those nights, when my head is..
well, depressed.
somethings wrong, somethings terribly wrong, i'm going to go cry.
i need a spoon.

HATE,
BWIT

nobody cares.

2007-08-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

Forest pisses me off so much its not even funny, like I never get the kind of angry you feel tingling in your upper arms the I'm-going-to-punch-you-now-I-can't-help-it-you're-a-dick anymore.
BUT, I didn't, isn't that cute?
I have self control.
I've decided i'm going to start this bad habit, but unlike Zac and shit, I have self control, heh, and am going to watch myself and set limits and be "responsible".
yeahh, so, theres so many jerks in the world.
Its cute, its cute.
I miss tommy so fucking much.
I haven't realized how very little I have been out, like I don't go hang out in the mall, I barely even grocery shop anymore, so all of a sudden i'm around all these robots.
Its kind of.... like, stuns me for a minute.
But, everything will be okay, work had a very good vibe today, I like almost had FUN, heh.
heh.
wellll i'm going down to amblerish sundayish-tuesdayish, ohjoy.
What a party it shall be, I just simply cannot wait.
HA, I get PAID this saturday, i'm going to have this like crackhead smile I will.
I hope I scare someone.
HI THERE, MY NAMES BWIT, I'M TWEAKING OUT ON MY FIRST PAYCHECK.
ISN'T IT CUTE.
wellll some other news, well two more pieces okay.
Me and Saul were talking about kids the other day, now I have an incredible urge to have a baby.
You have no idea.
And then, me and Chris were talking about the concert, then he started telling me about the grateful dead shows he went to, like he went to the real deal folks.
and it just sounded like an amazing and good hoohaa business, then we started talking about drugs, we leaned into tripping, he told me some adventures, I told him mine, now I wanna trip kinda, real bad.
Oh well, it will all come to me in time, in time my dear.
uhhh, I think i'm going to go run around before I drink myself to sleep.

HATE
BWIT.

tequila.

2007-08-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

mmmmm me and chris took tequila shots today.
Their so good! i've never had the whole deal before.
I'm so fuckinnnng tired, i guess i should take a walk.
Its like this tired that like, i lay down and could go to sleep.
Bubbles came upstairs crying this morning so she slept with me for awhile,
I kept waking up, fucking munchkins.
I'm going to come down this weekend, Jake well be here on saturday anyway, cause i have work, and their all leaving sunday..
so fuck dad, i don't have to be his bitch, and me leaving is at no cost to him but well, i dont even fucking know, a couple loads of dishes?
fucking fuckfuckmcfuck.
i'm angry.
HA.
I really want to cut my hair off.
its needs to go.
It does, i'll have saul do it in exchange for his.
YEAH.
OKAY.
uh, i'll go on a walk now, in my jammies :)
first i gotta brush my teeth.
:D

HATE
BWIT.